70

Discovery of that which one truly fears is an eye opener. I used to believe I feared being alone but I’ve come to understand that was never my real actual fear. I’ve been alone ninety percent of my life. My fear is that I would remain empty.

Only once for a small moment have I not felt empty. I tried filling that emptiness with everything and while somethings could pacify for a bit in the end only one made it ever feel gone. I, at no surprise, am not what she want’s or wanted in life and has moved on and now finding happiness I pray.

Its no matter though really maybe this life is just karma coming back at me for whatever I did before. I accept that this is what it is and I’m powerless to do anything about it. hoop ti do. Imagine that a small insignificant cell in a ocean full of small insignificant cells thinking he was big.

I dreamed of heaven and found myself in hell. My Angel flamed her heart with the spark of another. The demons pointing at and laughing at my insignificance. What made the thought alive that I was ever worthy after all my own parents didn’t want me why would this angel? but in the end I was judged by her who didn’t want to be judged :( Thank you for that baby.

The emptiness is devouring what little of my conscience remains. The burning flame has a touch that is ice cold. A vessel shallow empty and useless. The heart no longer remains. The hope that she carried has died with her.

Dying vessel won’t you take me with you? I desire to be no more. You see I have seen all there is to see. All that ever was and all that is to be. A world full of greed rushing to the emptiness that has devoured me. Blindly cheerfully chanting, living for the illusion of possession making it more valuable than gold. But in the end even people are nothing more than a possession and each has a price.

One will sell themselves for pennies and think that life is rewarding. But always waking up worried about what their day brings. Selling a bit more of themselves to someone they hate to support those they choose. But hey I have my toys.

You see Love has no more place here in this world. It left. I sit here empty with this knowledge. Everything is temporary. We are born we live we die just another pointless endeavor for the soul to be reminded of how empty we truly fucking are. We allow this thing called hope to move us forward. It has become the engine in which drives us. I killed myne.

It never took me to anything true and real. I thought I had that for one brief moment but I’m mentally ill whats your fucking excuse? The only moment I found worth having in life and its already gone. And maybe it was an illusion to begin with.

After all that is what we are taught from the beginning to start believing in Grand Illusions. Believe only what you choose and cast out the rest. For what you believe is the only truth and there are no other explanations right? Right.

I stand here over looking the vast of my remains no longer willing to bother and start trying to put it back together. It was meant for this. I was meant for this. To see the truth of reality. To see the real ugliness of the lies we believe. Sad part is its not the believing so much that’s the problem its thinking everyone one else should believe like you and if they don’t then there must be something wrong with them.

Yes there is its called FUCK YOU. Sorry to be so blunt but again no I’m not. We all want what we want and we all fucking want it NOW. We all think the way we think and we are not going to change that.

Sometimes you get to deep. No one stopped me. The power was there but the switch was off and now the power has died. Power not wanted just gets grounded.

What comes from her goes back to her. The way we treat her I bet she regrets us. No matter though pointlessness is still pointlessness. Thank you for the reminder.

Nothing ever changes. It’s only re-clothed to make it look new. A new facade with the same ole behavior and attitude. I rule, I own, Its myne. No matter the look the evil is the same. In the end we turn our backs on each other for a possession.

Maybe that is why things turned out for me the way they did who knows. The only real lesson I have gotten from all of this life is that its not worthy. That is just bottom line.

Its not my desire just my point of view. As much as I claimed to have killed the hope it still lingers on. Pushing my patience for the most part at this point but still trying to push me. I bid my Angel farewell. I love you forever and wish you only the best.

My own dim view is only the reflection of the tatters of heart lying around with nothing to expect except that of the fate of humpty dumpty.

No matter how bleak my view the highers are still there trying to comfort, encourage and empower and as grateful as I am I’m sorry it’s just not enough :(

Sorry I needed those who don't want me. I apologize for my existence.