52

Had a good visit with my therapist today. A lot of things have happened since my last entry. First I am officially a Grandfather. My Oldest daughter gave birth to her first born on 4-20-2016. I was proud of the date ;)

I have been changing some of my diet habits. I have started adding about 54 ounces of water a day. Some days a little more but not less. I know smoking is still a hard one to work on so I needed a small victory to help me gain the confidence. I have been on the Wellbutrin for about 6 days now. I decided to stop focusing on the cigarettes but to take on something a bit easier so I have been cutting down the amount of dr pepper I drink. While not sure if I want to completely cut it out but definitely want to slow down and allow myself a few years with out kidney issues.

Each small step gives us another foot forward in the journey. I have been getting a lot of signs from the highers lately and had something amazing revealed to me recently that well still has me in shock.

My Life hasn't had any drastic changes the only things that have truly changed are my perspectives. Learning to live in gratitude for myself and others has allowed me to start seeing the value I do have in me. It allows me to accept that I'm not worthless.

The mental disorders I have (Depression, PTSD, BPD) do not define me or who I am. I am Light and I am Dark I am everything and I am nothing. I am what I focus on.

I did scare my therapist today. I actually didn't mean to we just was talking about things I do when I am depressed and I mentioned that I will play music so We play a song that I would normally listen to in that state and she was frightened when she heard the vocals.

I asked her why she was so frightened and she said it sounds evil I asked why she said because of the voice. (Its a grunt voice) She made the statement evil is ugly and I reminded her that Satan was the most beautiful angel created. I also reminded her that Temptation is sweet. Nothing scary looking about evil except what we put into it. The music is of the Funeral Doom Genre and the song was by Shape of Despair. Yes its depressing music.

I have also started getting more active in getting together the thoughts for a book I plan on writing. I am not going to go into detail but I will say that I hope to have it finished within the next year. I am also working on trying to become more active here as this avenue does seem to help me be able to express myself and to learn how to continue to move forward.