45

Still working on issue's I have and still doing the best I can to do that. I am thinking more and more positive even when I have those bad moments. I still so very grateful for the highers and their sticking with me.

I have been more active on facebook joining groups of like interest and stuff like that. I have made a few new friends and have been enjoying it. Facebook still has its drama and I'm trying not to contribute to it. Its not always easy especially for emotional people like me. I'm way to over sensitive and don't always know the best way to respond to negativity.

I have been defining myself by my likes and loves. Not that they define me just looking at those thing and saying ok what is it you like about them and what do they say about you? Somethings say that I am doing just fine in my journey and I need to learn to embrace all of me if I am ever going to be the me I desire.

I still am hoping for what seems to be an impossible dream however I am not looking at it that way. I am looking at it as I will have what I desire. Besides right now I still have a ways to go just working on me.

Its been a struggle but I know its all going to be worth it. I forgive those who have wronged me and I forgive myself for those I have wronged. I still have some issues that I am holding on to however I am learning to slowly let them go. So I will forgive again and again if necessary.

I'm starting to learn to pray a bit more. I have been asking them to help me and to guide me to the better me I desire and they have been doing so lovingly even when I am not being so lovable. I thank them for that and Love them for so much more.

No my life is not perfect and its not where I desire it to be just yet however I am making the adjustments I need to make for me. It means I am still moving forward and releasing the garbage I have been carrying all these years. I also wish to thank you the people who read this. Some of you remain silent and thats ok I just thank you for the encouragement for me to continue to write and grow as I do so.

Blessings be to you all. My Love is with you all. Until next time

peace

44

I get angry when I hear someone telling a depressive person to just get over it. That is like handing a beer to an alcoholic and telling them to just say no. You wouldn't tell a child with MS to get over it would you? So why not try to understand that depression is a real disease that is something one cannot just simply get over.

I grew up under some ruff circumstances. I lived in boys homes, foster homes and even lived in the woods for several years. I always felt like I was someone looking from the outside in. I never felt that I belonged. I always felt that I had nothing to offer this wonderful world. The Offspring did a song a while back called Self Esteem. I remember hearing it for the first time and the lyrics I'm just a sucker with Low Self Esteem. I remember thinking well at least you have a self esteem I would have to work my way up to a low one.

I never built confidence in myself. Everything I ever did to build it always backfired on me. I remember one year I had just got out of Bethesda and It was Dad's birthday. I had a neighbor help me bake a cake for him. I was ten at the time. I felt so proud and had already built up in my head the response I was going to get but reality played out a very different scenario. I don't even remember if he at least said thank you. All I wanted to do was make my dad proud of me and it seemed no matter what I did he wasn't going to be so.

I'm 46 years old now and still don't think I have ever made him proud and now I just don't give a damn. Now I am trying to make me proud of me however its a slow process and I have nothing to go on but what I think I know. 

I've been struggling so much with doubt lately I don't even know how to think anymore. I'll sometimes wonder if I have a message waiting from someone but immediately my brain says I doubt it. And its usually right. I'll go to the places I frequent and nope no messages. So it reinforces my doubt and is making it harder for me to overcome it. 

I was never a popular person. I remember in high school going in on Mondays and hearing about some party I didn't get invited to but how I should have been there. I never was that good with the girls either. I didn't have a high school sweetheart not from a lack of trying but for the fact that I was always just the friend. Never to be taken anymore seriously than that.

The few women I did have in my life were not good for me. I just figured if they wanted to be with me it had to be right but damn I was so wrong. My confidence has only gotten even lower and lower. Even when I know I would be good at doing something I let my confidence convince me otherwise. Its a trap I can't seem to escape. 

Having a mother who was never around made me feel like I was someone who wasn't important at all. I can remember after I came of age and lived with my mom for a few years her telling me that she was taught to always stand by your man. I replied it should have been stand by your child. She said yeah well it is what it is and I am who I am. So basically I took that as you are not important enough for me to care for that way.

It was another downfall of the things I tried to do to make a peace with my family and myself. I've given up on trying to make a peace with them and just have been doing my damnedest to just get peace within me and with me. I forgive them for their ways. Wish I could say I can forget it however I can't. 

I guess they did what they felt was best for them and I just have to accept that their plans didn't include me. I am working on being ok with that. I am doing the best I can with what I have. Maybe my life isn't as bad as I think it is but to me this is my reality. Lock stock and barrel. 

I am working on becoming important to me. I am learning to love me a bit more every day. I don't think I am doing to bad considering I had no love of me to start with. In fact I was probably very much in the negative when it came to me loving me.

One thing that really set me back happened with my last girlfriend. Something I couldn't shake and didn't fully realize until the other day. When I got compared by her, to her ex. I remember thinking wow am I that fucked up. That was the worst weekend we had had together and we ended up breaking up a couple weeks later.  What I see now is that I had been unfairly judged by someone who was supposed to know better. She was teaching me what it meant to be enlightened so I took it as if she can't see any good in me then maybe there isn't any. It set me back and I even didn't write in here for a month or so. I stayed off everything that month and seriously wanted to just end it. 

I've moved beyond that point now and its still a struggle to wake up everyday and face my reality. Not of what is around me but in me. I still look for approval from others and when I see I am not getting it it only reinforces my doubts about me.

Damn what a fucking struggle. Trying not to let the outside influence you when all you can see is the outside. 

43

When going through serious mental and emotional thinking habits we find that somethings are easy while others are not. Old habits die hard. So in changing those habits we must feel the positive influences around us. I have had a few very good people recently enter into my life. I have chatted with them and have enjoyed the learning. Its really inspiring me to continue this transformation.

I am so grateful for all that the highers have been helping me to see. The positivity around me in me through me. My shattered heart slowly gathering its pieces back together to start mending. 

Learning to believe and not control. Its a lesson I am going through now. I just pray for Michele and hope that she overcomes that which is holding her back soon. May she be stronger and her radiance shine a thousand times brighter. 

I had a down day today. While on the surface this may seem to be a negative thing its really not. Sometimes when we have those depressed days they remind us of where we can move on to. The transformation I am going through is hard to always know what to do next or even how to do it. 

Letting go of control is not easy but its very worth it when you allow things to come into play. The other day we had some company come over and we kinda improvised and ended up having a really great time. No one controlled it. It just happened and it was beautiful.

It also opens me up to truly receive that which I have asked for. No longer am I closed off not allowing it to come in. Its all part of the process of my slow mending heart. But its real and its who I am. I am happy to be me and happy that I have the intelligence to learn and grow. 

We will all grow at our own rate and we will all journey our own path. When we respect each other we find peace among us. I do not wish others to follow my footsteps I just wish to inspire others to create their own.

42

Yesterday was such a gorgeous day that when I woke I decided to go for a walk. I took a stroll around the neighborhood and I found a dollar bill. A sign that the angels are with me :) I thanked them and continue to thank them.

I am glad they grabbed my hand and are holding on to it :) I thank the highers for always providing for me what I need. I am honored and grateful. I'm feeling so good and I plan on holding on to this feeling. Not because the circumstances that come about but because I am choosing to feel good.

It can be a struggle at times but I know that the struggle is only washing away the negativity if I allow it. I am. This one maybe short and sweet but so is Life. Take a moment go outside see the beauty that the highers have given us. Pray for others and be happy with you.

Bless you all