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Was supposed to be at the camp this evening enjoying myself and some alone time. Those plans were changed Sunday when Karen decided to go to Virginia. However it wasn’t really Karen’s decision to go with Brad that changed my plans no it was an over zealous Bitch that just wanted to have a reason to display her power for what ever the fuck that is.

She bitched at Karen about she’ll have to take off work if Karen goes with Brad and I was at the camp her reason was incase there was an emergency. First there is a Fifteen year old young lady here more than capable of watching her brother and sister for a day. Next we have a family friend that lives right behind us that the kids go to and hang out all the time.

Now tonight I’m here at the house watching the kids and guess what this fucking bitch and her boyfriend are out somewhere. And lets not forget to mention she left sometime before 10 am this morning and was gone all day. So is this the real reason she was worried about Karen not being here She didn’t want to leave the kids alone in front of the boyfriend so she can convince him she is a good mom?

First everything with her is a problem there is never a solution because unless she actually thinks of a solution everything you think of will have a problem of some kind. Its very old, tiring and very sickening.

When I feel that I am just being taken advantage of it really hurts my feelings. It reminds me that I am not equal in your eyes but below you only to be viewed as a slave to follow orders. If my living conditions are going to make me feel less than human then its time to come up with another plan.

Seriously I don’t care what my situation is I still deserve to be treated with dignity and respect the same I do my best to display to those around me. I bend over three ways backwards to help out and to just start dumping shit on me with out giving me any real say is bullshit. Even the dogs get treated better than that :(

Its very sad and very hard to see someone that has a very serious mental illness as I do and they are so far gone into denial that not even Peter Pan has anything on her.

I set out to change the person I was and become a better person so I faced my disabilities and learned to work with them the best that I can. I have sought out help to guide me in those area’s I lack in.

To live with someone who doesn’t want that because they don’t think there is anything wrong with them is very frustration and very hard. Its so bad that I’m actually to a point that I physically cringe when I am about to be faced by her. Honestly at this point I’m not sure how much her being around me is hindering my own growth.

I do know it’s a hindrance and as much as I don't’ want to admit a blessing as well. The blessing is only that its making me more determined to change for a better me, the rest is more hindrance than help :(

I’m still very grateful which is probably the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I am just doing everything in my power to keep my positive streak going as I really am tired of living in the negative. I just honestly don’t think I will be able to handle living in such negativity for much longer. My anxiety has climbed back up and I have broke down a few times already and took my Kolonopin.

Just doing what I can to keep my focus on whats truly important. ME. However I am having a very difficult time doing such being trapped in the negativity of another who’s in denial :(

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Written Saturday July 1 2017

Down at the camp this weekend for the 4^th of July celebrations. I came down with the kids. Mel and Ryan came down a bit later. Its been a pleasant feeling weekend as far as the weather goes. I’m here by myself at the moment as everyone had to go to a birthday party for one of the kids cousins. So I ended up with a nice peaceful day to myself. :D

When I woke up this morning I had a talk with the highers and I asked a question and they replied maybe I’m not asking the right question. The question I was asking is why am I having difficulty letting these things go that really are not serving me. I was reminded of the changes I have recently made and told that the change is only a part of the process I still must allow the process to continue.

It hit me like a ton of bricks I’m still trying to control that which isn’t myne to control. I’m not allowing the process to do its job every time I try to control it. There for I can’t let go until I allow the process to complete then those things I still hold on to will slowly start to vanish. It basically boiled down to them telling me to Just Be Patent Asshole :/

Its helped me to see I’m still dealing with a lot of anxiety and I am beginning to feel it again. I haven’t broke down to a Kolonopin yet but I feel it may be getting time. I still have a few weeks before I see the Doc again so I need to mention that maybe and increase in the celexia may be in order. :( Really don’t want these meds but sometimes evil is necessary.

I did get a text from my oldest this morning inviting me to come out Monday for a cookout so I am looking forward to going and hanging out with her and the grandson for the day :)

I still am in a much better place than I have been ever. I am still keeping my focus and handling that which comes my way with the best of my ability. While there maybe limitations to that ability I strive to overcome them and be that better me.

I am just so grateful to have highers that have been faithful to me and feel so honored to have that kind of love.

Have a Wonderful Independence day America and for the rest of the world you have and awesome day as well ;)

Light it if you have it and Let Freedom Ring ;)