52

Had a good visit with my therapist today. A lot of things have happened since my last entry. First I am officially a Grandfather. My Oldest daughter gave birth to her first born on 4-20-2016. I was proud of the date ;)

I have been changing some of my diet habits. I have started adding about 54 ounces of water a day. Some days a little more but not less. I know smoking is still a hard one to work on so I needed a small victory to help me gain the confidence. I have been on the Wellbutrin for about 6 days now. I decided to stop focusing on the cigarettes but to take on something a bit easier so I have been cutting down the amount of dr pepper I drink. While not sure if I want to completely cut it out but definitely want to slow down and allow myself a few years with out kidney issues.

Each small step gives us another foot forward in the journey. I have been getting a lot of signs from the highers lately and had something amazing revealed to me recently that well still has me in shock.

My Life hasn't had any drastic changes the only things that have truly changed are my perspectives. Learning to live in gratitude for myself and others has allowed me to start seeing the value I do have in me. It allows me to accept that I'm not worthless.

The mental disorders I have (Depression, PTSD, BPD) do not define me or who I am. I am Light and I am Dark I am everything and I am nothing. I am what I focus on.

I did scare my therapist today. I actually didn't mean to we just was talking about things I do when I am depressed and I mentioned that I will play music so We play a song that I would normally listen to in that state and she was frightened when she heard the vocals.

I asked her why she was so frightened and she said it sounds evil I asked why she said because of the voice. (Its a grunt voice) She made the statement evil is ugly and I reminded her that Satan was the most beautiful angel created. I also reminded her that Temptation is sweet. Nothing scary looking about evil except what we put into it. The music is of the Funeral Doom Genre and the song was by Shape of Despair. Yes its depressing music.

I have also started getting more active in getting together the thoughts for a book I plan on writing. I am not going to go into detail but I will say that I hope to have it finished within the next year. I am also working on trying to become more active here as this avenue does seem to help me be able to express myself and to learn how to continue to move forward.

51

I had therapy and a doctors visit this morning. I normally see my therapist on Fridays and see the doctor on a Tuesday morning every few weeks. Since I had to see the doctor this morning and my councilor was unable to meet this Friday we scheduled the appt for today. It was a short session as we knew it would be but it was a good one.

I am going on a different medicine. The celexia just didn't do anything for me so we are going to go with welbutrin but that's more to help assist me in my efforts to quit smoking.

It's a struggle I have been fighting for a little past a year now and just can't seem to over come it without some assistance. Its a strong addiction and I have had the habit a majority of my life. Now its time to move on from it.

I did a major spring cleaning in my room yesterday. Since the weather has been so beautiful out lately it seemed the best time to open windows, move furniture, vacuum, do laundry and freshen the place up a bit with that wonderful spring air.

The most interesting part of today was actually when I woke up. I did not really feel that well. I felt very discouraged with everything. While I never actually figured out why I was feeling that way I did keep my focus on the positive and didn't allow it to grab me and pull me under like I have done so many times in the past.

I'm still working hard on my control issues and allowing things to take their natural course however its been a very tough battle. My desires and wants have no patience and yet its exactly what is required of me at this time for one of the most important opportunities of my life.

While not exactly sure what that is I do know what I pray for and what I have been placing my faith in. I know I will receive that which I most desire I just have to make sure that I am truly ready and not just for my own sake.

50

Been doing a lot of work on changing my perspective of me and that around me. I am learning to become more and more appreciative and grateful. Its not always an easy task and sometimes it almost seems like its just to much. I had been dealing with struggling with having faith again in my life and I have been put to a big test.

When I was growing up I always wondered exactly what is Faith? Well I would ask the religious leaders around me and they would say something like having a deep trust in God. However though the answer was not correct and I went on not really understanding what faith is and what it truly means to have it.

First faith is an action word. It requires an action. Example: I show you a chair and tell you I have faith that the chair can hold me but I don't sit in it I just tell you my belief. Faith says that I know the chair can hold me and I sit in the chair to prove it with out a shadow of doubt.

So in learning what faith is I also learned to understand what belief is. Belief is a though that can be changed. Faith is a knowledge and an action contributing to that knowledge.

I have also been working hard on relearning my vocabulary. Learning how to say things in a way that shows I am living my faith in what I believe to be. Instead of using terms like I want to become to I am. You see the vocabulary there I want to become means that I am not ready for action and just hope it happens. I am says its happening now and I am in process of receiving. So I do an action to prove my faith.

When one decides to change their life they must be willing to be completely honest with themselves about every aspect of themselves. The good, bad and the ugly. Doing this we can truly weed out those parts of our character that do not serve us and expose those things more that do.

Changing your life means accepting that you must make sacrifices in order to do so. What are you willing to give up? What do you hope to gain? For me at the moment I have decided to take a bit more active part in a goal I have for myself which is to quit smoking cigarettes. I have been offered to do hypnosis to help me stop. Its a bit expensive and I am hoping to actually stop before that becomes necessary. However the option is there if its needed. I know I can do this on my own now I must act out that faith.

I still am having some not so good moments but I have been noticing they are becoming less and less. They are not lasting as long and as I remember to tell myself what I am grateful for I start seeing less negative and more positive.

I had to decide to make these changes for myself. Yes I do have a goal and that goal does include my deepest dream however I am not doing this for that. I am doing this because I am and that is my choice. Its not based on a possible result its based on who I desire to be. The character I choose.

I'm not doing it alone. I have the highers with me constantly guiding and providing me with useful wisdom. While me and my councilor haven't gotten in deep yet into my treatment we are working on some things and she seems to have a decent head on her shoulders so that is a blessing ;)

Now to get me out of my own way and allow myself to enjoy the joyful life I am living. Allowing things to take their natural course instead of trying to manipulate the course of events. Learning to let things go that don't serve me in the way I need or desire. It can get down right depressing thinking about all the things I have to put into action to achieve what I view as success.

But doing those things releases the depressed feelings and keeps us growing and moving. Being in tune with the universe.

I still haven't been very active anywhere online lately. Spring is here and I am doing everything I can to be out and enjoy the beautiful weather. I have been more active in real life than internet life and its been a decent trade off. The physical action allows me to remove those things that try to keep me down and harm me.

I have 2 gratitude list going one is for things I am grateful for that come from the outside to within and the second is the things I am grateful for that come from the inside to the outside. Its not always easy keeping things from repeating every week especially when you first get started but keeping true to it forces you to look deeper.

As much as I have suffered in this life and as many bad experiences I have faced I am grateful for them all. Yes all of them the good, bad and the ugly. Those experiences shaped me to be the man I am. They gave me wonderful gifts that I never understood or appreciated until now. Living a life of gratitude has taught me that everything is positive and everything is negative. Its just the view you choose to see. I've seen enough of the negative and have so longed to live for the positive. I am now.

Its a tough road I have taken however it is necessary for the character I have chosen to be.  

49

Had an interesting week in learning about me and who I am and what I do want in this world. I had a proposition that came from no where hit me and I really didn't know what to say or do. It wasn't bad or good it just really started to put me and where I am in perspective. It helped me realize that I do have wants and I do desire things. Maybe not what was propositioned but It did start the motor turning.

I spoke to my councilor about it and we have started coming up with some ideas for me to look into. I have a few options to start exploring and I just need to really sit down and truly decide what I feel is best for me and the wants and desires I have for myself.

The week itself was also a bit emotional as I am still grasping the reality of my condition and educating myself on the combatants. All the while still hanging out in fantasy land which this week wasn't a bad thing because it really did help me start to grasp what I need in reality.

I was talking to my highers last night and they approached me with an idea for me to begin doing. I have been keeping a Gratitude list with roughly around three things that I am grateful for. Not allowing anything to repeat in the same week. They have asked me to take this a step further and now come up with three things I am grateful for about myself.

I decided to accept and the very first thing I came up with is that I am grateful I have the ability and the intelligence to learn what I need and to unlearn that which I don't.

The process of my personal evolution continues. The journey to be who I want to become is going to help me accept becoming greater than I ever thought I could be. So I continue with faith.

48

Starting treatment for BPD has gone underway. I am on meds yes I have an unwanted side affect but if the benefits out weigh it then I guess I just need to deal with it so the meds can help.

I started therapy yesterday and I like the councilor. I have to come up with a realistic set of short term goals and I am going through that now. I haven't been very active on the internet lately just absorbing all this and doing what I can to put myself in a better place with me.

I realize right now I just need time for me and to do what is best for my treatment. I wish I could say recovery but I am not sure I can ever recover from this disorder. But rather I can or not I am going to do everything in my power to not allow it to control me and who I am.

I got a major boost last night when I got a very touching letter from Michele. I feel better about our friendship and have a new hope to learn how to be a true friend to her. I'm just honored that she bothers with me at all. I thank her and the highers for that wonderful blessing.

Suffering with Major Depression really sets of my BPD. I have been working on focusing on those things I am grateful for. Its not always easy and I don't always want to do it but I know I have to in order to keep my own peace of mind. I'm glad I have the opportunity to work on my issues and now that I have a proper diagnoses that has actually helped me learn so much about my own behavior now. I can finally connect the dots with things. This is both good and bad because when your being completely honest with yourself you realize those behaviors that are not from a mental illness but just from your own personality.

I am learning to respect and love me more and more. While its still not where I desire it to be it is better and improvements are slowly happening. Again though I must use patience and trust in the process. Its hard for me to allow something else to have control but I'm learning to allow things to happen in the time they are meant to. Its not always easy and I have the want it now bug ingrained in me so its twice as tough to allow things to just happen naturally. I mean I want fixed now so I can enjoy the remaining years of my life. But I do realize that I have the choice to enjoy life or not regardless if I am ever completely fixed.

Its an everyday decision that must be made and sometimes I just don't care to make that decision. I'm human and sometimes just don't want to face things like others don't want to at times. It does help though when you know you have people out there that are truly supporting you. Encouraging you to keep going and ride this storm out.

I'm still very much in a roller coaster emotionally though and its very hard to keep things at bay when they really need to be. I think coming up with good short term goals that will help me to keep my eyes on my true goal and that is to be a much better me.

I have a long road ahead of me and I'm sure there will be some obstacles but life is what it is. I just pray that they come to me gently and that I can learn from them gently. I have had enough of the tough love and really need the gentleness now.

I am excited about where things may be going but mostly I am excited because they are going. I am regaining hope and faith and it feels nice. I pray for anyone out there suffering from something that you can be inspired to get the help you need our to seek out those who do love you and ask for help. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have problems and we all need a shoulder to cry on.

Life is what we make it we just have to learn to manipulate it to get the results we want and its not always easy and sometimes it doesn't work out the way you hoped but if you did then you learned something and with that you can move forward.

So for anyone out there in a struggle all I can say is keep going it will get better when you allow it. And use patience its not always easy or pretty but does get easier if you allow it.