47

Been spending some time reading up on what exactly BPD is and how it affects one. It has really helped explain a lot of my behavior to me. I could not believe how much I fit the bill of this condition. Unfortunately its a disorder that is very much misdiagnosed as Bi Polar. The two are not the same and treatment can vary.

Having a clearer understanding that my disorder is what has been holding me back and keeping me down gives me new insight on working to overcome. It was a disorder I simply did not understand that cost me the best friend I ever had. Lesson learned. Its hard picking up the pieces and just moving on but its apparently what is warranted.

I started to take the medicine they gave me for it but I started having some not so desirable side affects. I have been down that road before and really I don't want side affects I want actual help. I'm not against medicine but If it leaves me feeling dead then its worthless to me. The whole point of treatment is to be able to come back alive.

I've been on a little down time socially. I haven't been active in the forums or even on Facebook. I don't know just right now have no desire to bother with either. I'm not negative about it however its actually a good thing as it helps me to be more focused on what needs my attention more and that is me.

Change in myself over the past few months has been a difficult road to face and walk. Its still a difficult road however the highers are still with me and still holding my hand. They hug me when I am down and joy with me when I am happy. I am so thankful I at least have them. Still I do miss having that physical contact with someone I feel completely safe with. That one I can tell all to and they understand and not judge. I guess when the time is right :)

Evolution takes time but does happen. I am happening. Slow steady sure I keep going at it. Each day a journey each step a privilege. No may not always feel that way but the truth is the truth no matter how we feel.  

46

I have started the process of filing for disability. I had to see a psychiatrist yesterday and she pretty much told me what I already knew but did add something else to my diagnosis.

I have known for a time that I have PTSD and I have Chronic Depression. Now I have discovered I also have what is known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not sure exactly what that is but I do know that I have 9 out of 10 of the symptoms of it. It seems that its common for children of sexual assault as they get older they develop this disorder.

It was kind of a blow to me. Not having another thing wrong but that I had to rehash somethings that I really didn't want to have to. While I'm not down right depressed it is depressing.

In a wold that I am doing everything I can to survive I don't just want that. I want to actually be able to live. Problem is I really don't know how. I'm still so full of self doubt. I saw this extremely beautiful lady walking down the street yesterday before my appointment. I remember the first thought I had was what would she want with me?

I had determined by look only that she was way to good for me. Not that she is better than me or even deserving of me. It was that doubt had already taken over my thinking process when I have no real clue if this lady would have or even could have been interested. I killed myself before I ever started.

The doctor has prescribed me a medicine that is supposed to help me with those things I have been diagnosed with. I just am not looking forward to having to take a pharmaceutical drug that has no long term R&D. I don't want to be their guinea pig. I will give it a try to see if it can help me become more consistent in my thinking process instead of being all over the place.

I am still going one day at a time. I still am deeply missing Michele and I am still all over the place with my emotions. However I am continuing this journey and I continue to do so with my head held high. No I'm not perfect and I am not proud but I am grateful and that is why I hold my head up :)